Empathy continues to be a hot topic in leadership discussion. Certainly not a new one but one that deservedly is receiving more airtime to discuss. Recently I was listening to a clip from a podcast with Brene Brown and Adam Grant and the struggle we sometimes have when we try to feel exactly what the other person is feeling.
Our friend comes to us really struggling because things at home are in a tough spot. A co-worker vents to us about a frustrating conversation with another co-worker and can’t seem to find common ground. It’s hard in these moments to not shift some of this struggle, fear, and frustration onto our own shoulders. We want to be there for support but face the challenge of the weight of their feelings pressing on us.
I sometimes struggle with this. I struggle with not feeling like I need to take on some of this weight if I’m showing up for my people. What Adam Grant said in this podcast was a good reminder of how we can show up for others but not carry the emotional weight.
“You do not have to feel other people’s feelings to care about their feelings.”
How we show up for people matters. In formal and informal leadership at work, at home, coaching youth sports, in our community, and anywhere else we choose to be. Adam and Brene gave a great reminder that showing up does not mean we have to take on others’ struggles and frustrations. Showing up means being there ready to actively listen and care.
And to care doesn’t mean to shoulder their weight. Quite the opposite. By not shouldering the weight we’re creating distance from the emotional intensity of the situation. This allows us to provide a broader perspective. We can show up ready to ask good questions because we’re engaged and actively listening. Not shouldering this weight gives us perspective that they don’t have because they’re so close to the issue.
Diversity of perspective is critical. If we choose to take on others’ emotions, we can’t fully show up for our people to give them a different lens of viewing the situation. If we take on their feelings, then we end up looking at the situation in similar fashion and may struggle to help them progress forward.
It’s not that we don’t care about other people when we don’t shoulder their feelings. It’s the opposite where we want to show up to best support and help by giving them a different perspective to help persevere through struggle. How we show up matters – instead of feeling like you must shoulder the weight of their emotions, help them see through a different lens to see the opportunity through the struggle.
Take your step: the next time someone is confiding in you with their struggle, check yourself and how you may be letting their feelings move over onto your shoulders. Consider using questions that help reframe how you can show up and help. Am I actively listening and hearing where their struggle is? Am I asking open ended questions to help them keep exploring? Am I staying calm during tough times to help keep tone and emotions regulated? Explore how you can show up for others by not shouldering their struggles but instead, keeping distance to help provide a different perspective to help them see the opportunity in the struggle.