When we are in the middle of a struggle, emotions can be intense. We feel the pressure, frustration, fear, and much more. As these emotions continue to elevate, our mind can become consumed with this struggle. This fixation on what’s happening and the struggle that’s taking over our thoughts can force a big limitation on us – the limitation of perspective.
Think back to struggles at work, a rough patch in a relationship, or a period of financial strain. We’ve all been there and if we were to reflect on how we handled these situations, I’m certain there were times when the struggle took control of our thoughts. I know I’m guilty at times of letting the negativity control the narrative.
My negative inner voice consumed my capacity to think beyond this struggle. It’s as if the lens of my life chooses to zoom in only on my struggle. I can’t figure out how to adjust the lens to focus beyond the intensity of the struggle.
One technique that has helped me during these moments of struggle to see beyond the negativity is to switch out me for one of my friends facing the same dilemma. Instead of me going through the struggle, I shift my perspective to run through the scenario of my friend coming to me for help.
Take for example a project at work that has gone south. If we let our inner voice zoom in on this struggle we can be consumed with the negativity. How did I screw this up so badly? What if they fire me? There’s no way I’ll get another opportunity like this. And the spiraling can continue…
What if a friend came to you and vented about their struggle with this project. Would your first response be to ask them why they screwed it up so badly or if they’re afraid they will get fired? Hopefully not. Most likely you will respond with questions and perspective of any opportunity to help turn this project around. The project is not in a good place so let’s talk about what areas of the project are falling behind. What resources exist that can help brainstorm ideas to help turn these struggling parts of the project around? Is more diversity of thought needed? What has been learned from the failures to help uncover new ideas to experiment with? Can there be a discussion with key stakeholders to gather feedback on the struggles or discuss a potential extended deadline?
So much of coaching is creating an environment to explore. It’s not telling someone exactly what to do but instead helping them along the journey to discover different viewpoints and ways to elevate themselves. When we’re consumed with the emotions that come with struggle, viewpoints are extremely limited and the idea of trying to elevate oneself rarely pops up. But when we are willing to look at struggle from the lens of coaching our friend, the mindset completely changes. We step away from the emotional intensity and start exploring viewpoints of opportunity to learn and grow from the struggle.
“What happens is of little significance compared with the stories we tell ourselves about what happens. Events matter little, only stories of events affect us.” – Rabih Alamedine
The stories we tell ourselves so often are created from the perspective we see the situation from. If we are consumed with the emotional intensity of struggle, our perspective typically will be very limited. If we use methods like coaching a friend, we see the exact same situation in a completely different way. The situation is the same, but the story created from the two perspectives are vastly different. Decide which story you want to create.
Take your step: the next time you encounter a frustrating situation you feel your mind spiraling to the negative, take a moment to coach a friend. Pause and shift your frame of mind to your friend coming to you with the dilemma you’re facing. How would you start coaching them? How would you create an environment for your friend to start exploring ways to grow and benefit from the time of struggle? Take this advice meant for your friend and explore ways to leverage for how to move forward through your own struggle as opposed to being weighed down by the negative emotional intensity.